So this week the internet was passing around that recording of a guy trying to cancel his Comcast service and getting stonewalled by a retention rep for eight straight minutes. If you haven't heard it, go find it, its everywhere by now. The guy, Ryan Block, used to work at Engadget, so he had the presence of mind to actually hit record when the call started going sideways. Most of us don't think to do that until were already three sentences into yelling.
I bring this up because I had my own version of that call on Tuesday, minus the tape recorder and minus, thankfully, quite that level of absurdity.
I wasnt even trying to cancel anything. I called to downgrade from some bloated bundle to a cheaper internet-only plan because Ive been doing the math on what I actually watch versus what Im paying for, and the answer is embarrassing. Forty minutes on hold, then a rep who was very friendly right up until I said the word "downgrade," at which point the friendliness didnt disappear exactly, it just got a lot more insistent. Have I considered the sports package. Do I know that the price im on now is actually a promotional rate that expires in ninety days anyway so why not just stay on the bundle and add HBO. I said no about six times in six different ways before he finally, audibly reluctantly, processed the change.
None of this is new, obviously. Everybody who has ever called a cable company has a version of this story sitting in their back pocket, ready to tell at a dinner party the second someone else brings up their internet bill. But I think the reason the Block recording hit as hard as it did this week is timing. Comcast and Time Warner Cable are trying to merge into one enormous company right now, the deal is sitting in front of regulators as we speak, and the whole pitch from both companies is that this merger wont hurt customers, that scale helps service, whatever. And then a recording drops of exactly the kind of call that makes people distrust that pitch in the first place. You couldnt script better timing if you tried, and Im sure Comcasts PR department is not thrilled about it.
Comcast did put out a statement apologizing, which is the right move, but Ill be honest, I dont think a statement changes the incentive structure that produced the call. Retention reps get measured on retention. Thats the whole job. As long as thats true, some percentage of these calls are going to go badly no matter how nice the training materials sound. Im not saying the rep was a bad guy, I think he was doing exactly what his job wants him to do, which is sort of the depressing part.
The part that actually annoys me more, and this is a smaller complaint that has nothing to do with any recording, is that "downgrade" isnt even available as an option online. You can upgrade your plan through the website in about ninety seconds, no human involved, but the second you want to go the other direction the site just tells you to call. Thats not an accident. If it were a genuine self-service portal it would let you self-serve in both directions. Im sure someone in a meeting somewhere decided that friction on the way out is a feature, not a bug, and honestly, fine, I get the business logic, I just wish they'd stop pretending the phone call is about "making sure I have the best plan for my needs."
Anyway. My internet is $15 cheaper a month now and I did not have to raise my voice to get there, so Ill call it a win even if it took the better part of an hour. If youre one of the people who called your own cable company this week after hearing that recording and had a smoother time than me, genuinely, tell me your secret. Im guessing it involves either saying "cancel" in the first sentence or getting extremely lucky with who picks up.